上篇 童言无戏

1 No Wonder They Put Him out

Tom: looking at the crying new baby: Has he just come from heaven？

Mother: Yes.

Tom: Well, it’s no wonder they put him out.

怪不得他们把他赶出来

汤姆：看着不断哭着的新生儿：他是刚从天堂里来吗？

妈妈：是的。

汤姆：嗯，怪不得他们把他赶出来。

2 Important Job

John: My brother has an important job. He works with 50, 000 people under him.

Jack: Is he the head of a big factory？

John: No, he mows lawns in a cemetery.

重要工作

约翰：我哥哥的工作非常重要，他手下有五万人。

杰克：他是一个大厂的厂长吗？

约翰：不，他为墓地锄草。

3 A UsefuI Way

Mother: Jack, why do you drink so much water？

Tim: I have just had an apple, Mum.

Mother: What’s that got to do with it？

Tim: I forgot to wash the apple.

一个有用的方法

妈妈：“杰克，你干嘛喝这么多水呀？”

蒂姆：“我刚才吃了个苹果，妈妈。”

妈妈：“可是这跟喝水有什么关系呢？”

蒂姆：“我忘了洗苹果。”

4 You Don’t Know My Father

Jenny: If you have one dollars, and you ask your father for three dollars, how much will you have？

Billy: one dollars.

Jenny: You don’t know your math.

Billy: You don’t know my father.

你不了解我爸

詹妮：“如果你有一元，你再向你爸爸要三元，你会有几元？”

比利：“一元。”

詹妮：“你不会算数吗！”

比利：“你又不了解我爸！”

5 What Did the Teacher Teach

Father asked her little girl,“Darling, what did the teacher teach you today？”

“Nothing, Dod,”answered the girl proudly,“instead, he asked me how much one plus two is, and I told him three. ”

老师教了什么

爸爸问她的小女儿：“宝贝，今天老师都教你什么？”

女儿骄傲地回答说：“爸爸，什么也没有教，他反而问我1加2是多少，我告诉他等于3。”

6 Wake Him Up

A teacher is droning away in the classroom when she notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping student’s neighbor,“Hey, wake that student up!”

The neighbor yells back,“You put him to sleep, you wake him up!”

把他叫醒

老师在教室里敷衍地讲着课，这时她注意到后排有一个学生正在睡觉。老师对睡觉同学的同桌吼道：“嘿，把那名学生叫醒！”

同桌也吼回去：“是你让他睡着的，你把他叫醒！”

7 Whose Father Was Stronger

William and Angus were quarrelling about whose father was stronger.

William said,“Well, you know the Pacific Ocean？ My father’s the one who dug the hole for it. ”

Angus wasn’t impressed,“Well, that’s nothing. You know the Dead Sea？ My father’s the one who killed it!”

谁的父亲更强壮

威廉和安格斯在为谁的父亲更强壮而争吵。

威廉说：“喏，你知道太平洋吗？那是我爸爸挖出来的。”

安格斯不屑一顾：“哦，那没什么。你知道死海吗？那是我爸爸杀死的。”

8 A Small Boy and a Donkey

A small boy leading a donkey passed by an Army camp. A couple of soldies wanted to have some fun with the lad.

“What are you holding onto your brother so tight for, sonny？”asked one of them.

“So he won’t join the army.”the youngster replied without blinking an eye.

小男孩与驴子

一个小男孩牵着头驴子穿过部队营房。两名士兵想跟小家伙开个玩笑。

“小孩，你把你哥哥牵得这么紧干什么？”其中一人问道。

“这样，他就不会去参军了。”小家伙眼都不眨地回答道。

9 Witty Answer

An elderly gentleman being, one evening, in the company of some persons who were much amused at the witty sayings of a child, said to someone near him that witty children usually made stupid men.

The child heard him and said to him,“Sir, you were very witty, no doubt when you were young. ”

机智的回答

一天傍晚，一位长者和几个人在一起津津乐道地谈论着儿童的才智，长者对身旁的人说，聪明的儿童后来往往变成蠢汉。有个小孩听到了，便说道：“先生，毫无疑问，你年轻时肯定很聪明。”

10 The Wedding

A father and his child are at a wedding.

The little boy looks at his dad and says,“Dad, why does the girl wear white？”

His dad replies,“The bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life. ”

The boy thinks about this, and then says,“Well then, why is the boy wearing black？ ”

婚礼

爸爸和他的孩子在一场婚礼上。

小男孩看着他的爸爸问道：“爸爸，为什么那个女孩穿着白色的衣服呢？”

他的爸爸回答说：“新娘穿着白色是因为她非常开心，这是她一生中最快乐的日子。”

小男孩想了会儿，然后说：“那么，为什么那个男孩穿黑色的衣服呢？”

11 Who Should Be Given the Gift

A father of four children came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present,“Who is the most obedient, never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told？”he inquired.

There was silence, and then a chorus of voices,“You play with it, daddy!”

礼物该给谁

一位有四个孩子的父亲带着一件玩具回到家里，把孩子们召集起来问这件礼物该给谁。“谁最听话，从不和妈妈顶嘴，让干什么就干什么？”他问道。

大家都不吭声。过了一会儿，孩子们异口同声地说：“爸爸，您玩吧。”

12 Lost Purse

A lady lost her handbag. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented,“Hmmm...that’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $10 bill in it. Now there are ten $ 1 bills. ”

The boy quickly replied,“That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward. ”

丢钱包

一个女人丢了手提包，有一个诚实的小孩捡到后交还给了她。

她看了看钱包，说：“嗯，有趣，我丢的时候里面是一张10美元，现在成了10张一美元。”

“没错，夫人。”小男孩立刻回答道，“上次我捡到钱包时，那位夫人没有零钱奖赏给我。”

13 God and Grandma

A little boy and his little sister were spending the night at their grandparents.

At bedtime, they knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the younger one began praying at the top of her lungs.

“I pray for a NEW BICYCLE...I pray for a NEW VCR...”

His older brother nudged the younger sister and said,“Why are you shouting your prayers？God isn’t deaf. ”To which the little sister replied,“No, but Grandma is!”

上帝和祖母

一个小男孩和他的妹妹在他们的祖父母家过夜。

睡觉前，他们跪在床旁祈祷。妹妹用非常大的声音祈祷着。“我祈求有一辆新自行车……我祈求有一个新录像机……”

他的哥哥用肘轻轻地碰了妹妹一下，说：“你为什么这么大声地喊叫呢？上帝又不是聋子。”

妹妹听了回答道：“上帝是不聋，可奶奶聋呀！”

14 Roast Pig

One day a girl came to her teacher and said,“Teacher, My father wants to know if you like roast pig. ”

“I certainly do,”said the teacher,“and you tell your father he is very kind to think of me.”

Days passed, and nothing more was said about the roast pig.

Finally the teacher said to the girl,“I thought your father was going to send me over some roast pig. ”

“Yes,”said the girl.“he did intend to, but the pig got well. ”

烤猪

一天有个女孩去对他老师说：“老师，我爸想知道你是不是爱吃烤猪肉。”

“当然喽，”老师说，“告诉你父亲，多谢他想着我。”

好几天过去了，再没谁提起烤猪肉的事儿。

最后老师对女孩说：“我以为你父亲要给我送点儿烤猪肉来呢。”

“是啊，”孩子说，“他是这么想的，可后来猪又痊愈了。”

15 It Wasn’t Deep

A stranger on horseback came to a river with which he was unfamiliar.

The traveler asked a youngster if it was deep.

“No.”replied the boy, and the rider started to cross. But soon found that he and his horse had to swim for their lives.

When the traveler reached the other side he turned and shouted,“I thought you said it wasn’t deep？”

“It isn’t. ”was the reply,“It only takes grandpa’s goose up to their middles!”

不深

一个骑马的过路人来到一条他不熟悉的河边。

他问一名少年这条河深不深。

“不深。”男孩答道。骑马人就开始过河，但他很快就发现他和马要想活命就得游过去。

当这个游客到达河对岸时，转过身喊道：“我想你说过河不深吧？”

“不深，”孩子答道，“它仅能淹没我爷爷养的鹅的半个身子。”

16 Make Someone Else Glad

A school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad.“Now, children,”she said,“has anyone of you ever make someone else glad？”

“Please, teacher,”said a small boy,“I’ve made someone glad yesterday.”

“Well done. Who was that？”

“My granny. ”

“Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grandfather glad. ”

“Please, teacher. I went to see him yesterday, and stayed with him for four hours. Then I said to him, ‘Grandpa, I’m going home.’And he said,‘well, I’m glad!’”

让别人高兴

一个学校的老师在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。“现在，孩子们，”她说。“你们当中有谁让别人高兴过？”

“我，老师，”一个小男孩说，“昨天我就使别人高兴过。”

“好孩子。现在告诉我们，你是怎样使你爷爷高兴的？”

“是这样的，老师。我昨天去看他，在他那儿待了四个小时。然后我跟她说：‘爷爷，我要回家了。’他说：‘啊，我很高兴！’”

17 Talking to God on the Telephone

Each Sunday the minister called the children to the front of the church while he told them a story. Once he brought a telephone to better illustrate the idea of prayer.

“You talk to people on the telephone and don’t see them on the other end of the line, right？”he began. The children nodded yes. “Well, talking to God is like talking on the telephone. He’s on the other end, but you can’t see him. He is listening though. ”

Just then a little boy named Jim stand piped up and asked,“What’s his number？”

和上帝通电话

每周日牧师都会把孩子们叫到教堂前跟他们讲一个故事。有一次他带来一部电话，以便更好地解释祈祷是什么意思。

“你打电话给别人但是看不到电话另一端的人，是吗？”他开始解释。孩子们点头同意。“那么，和上帝谈话就像通电话一样，上帝在电话的另一端，但是你看不到上帝，可是他在听你说。”

就在这时，一个叫吉姆的小男孩站起来大声问：“上帝的电话号码是多少？”

18 Definitely

Nursery school teacher says to her class,“Who can use the word‘definitely’in a sentence？”First little girl says,“The sky is definitely blue. ”

Teacher says,“Sorry, Betty, but the sky can be grey, or orange ... ”

Second little boy says,“Trees are definitely green.”

“Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown... ”

Little Jack from the back of the class stands up and says,“Does a fart have lumps？”

The teacher looks horrified and says,“Jack! of course not!!!”

“OK. Then I DEFINITELY have shit in my pants...”

绝对

幼儿园的老师对班上小朋友说：“有谁可以用‘绝对’一词造一个句子？”

第一个小女孩说：“天空绝对是蓝的。”

老师说：“不，贝蒂，天空也有可能是灰色或橙色的。”

第二个小男孩说：“树绝对是绿的。”

“可是秋天时，树会是褐色的。”

坐在教室后排的小杰克站起来说：“放屁的时候会不会有硬块？”

老师一脸恐惧地说：“杰克，当然不会！”

“好，那在我裤子里绝对有大便！”

19 Intelligent Son

One day, the father let the seven‐year‐old son send a letter, the son took the letter and ran away, and then did the father remember not to write the address and name on the envelope.

After the son came back, the father asked him,“Have you thrown the letter into the mail box？”“Certainly. ”

“Haven’t you seen there was no address and name on the envelope？”

“Certainly l see there was nothing. ”

“Then why don’t you take it back？”

“I just thought that the reason why you do not write the address and the addressee is that you don’t want to let me know who you’ll send the lettert to!”

聪明的儿子

有一天，父亲让七岁的儿子去寄一封信，儿子已经拿着信跑走了，父亲才想起信封上没写地址和收信人的名字。

儿子回来后，父亲问他：“你把信丢进邮筒了吗？”

“当然。”

“你没看见信封上没有写地址和收信人的名字吗？”

“我当然看见信封上什么也没写。”

“那你为什么不拿回来呢？”

“我还以为你不写地址和收信人，是为了不想让我知道你把信寄给谁呢！”

20 Four Rabbits

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got？

Jimmy: four！

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you one rabbits and one rabbits and another one rabbits, how many rabbits have you got？

Jimmy: four！

Teacher: Let’s try another way. If I give you one apples and one apples and another one apples, how many apples have you got？

Jimmy: three.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you one rabbits and one rabbits and another one rabbits, how many rabbits have you got？

Jimmy: four!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of one rabbits is four？

Jimmy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

四只兔子

老师：“如果我给你一只兔子，加一只兔子，再加一只兔子，那你有多少只兔子？”

吉米：“四只！”

老师：“不对，再仔细听一遍。如果我给你一只兔子，加一只兔子，再加一只兔子，那你有多少只兔子？”

吉米：“四只！”

老师：“让我们换种说法。如果我给你一个苹果，加一个苹果，再加一个苹果，那你有几个苹果？”

吉米：“三个。”

老师：“很好。现在如果我给你一只兔子，加一只兔子，再加一只兔子，那你有多少只兔子？”

吉米：“四只！”

老师：“你到底怎么把三组一只兔子加成四只的？”

吉米：“我家里现在已经有一只啦！”

21 Only One Cake Left

A train stopped at small station. A man looked out of the window and saw a woman selling cakes. People from the train were buying them. The man wanted to buy a cake, but the woman was standing far from the window and it was raining. The man didn’t want to go out in the rain.

Suddenly he saw a boy. The boy was walking on the platform not far from him.“Come here, boy,”the man said,“do you know how much those cakes are？”“Five cents for each .”the boy answered .

The man gave the boy ten cents and asked him to buy two cakes.“One for me and one for you .”A few minutes later, the boy came back. He was eating a cake. He gave the man five cents and said,“There was only one cake left.”

只剩一块蛋糕了

火车停在了一个小车站，一个男人朝窗外看了看，看见一个妇人正在卖蛋糕。车上的人都纷纷下去买蛋糕。这个男人也想买，但是车窗离那个妇人太远了，而且外边还下着雨，这个男人可不想冒着雨去买。

忽然他看见了一个小男孩，这个男孩走在离他不远的那个月台上。“过来，小孩儿，”这个男人说，“你知道那些蛋糕多少钱吗？”“五美分一块。”男孩说。

然后这个男人给了男孩十美分，让他去买两块蛋糕。“一块给你，一块给我。”几分钟后，男孩吃着蛋糕回来了。他还给了男人五美分，说：“那儿只剩一块蛋糕了。”

22 A Gentleman

John was seven years old, and his sister, Catherine, was five. One day their mother took them to their aunt’s house to play while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes.

The children played for an hour, and then at half past four their aunt took John into the kitchen. She gave him a nice cake and a knife and said to him,“Now here’s a knife, John. Cut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister, but remember to do it like a gentleman.”

“Like a gentleman？”John asked,“How does gentleman do it？”

“They always give the bigger piece to the other person.”answered his aunt at once.

“Oh. I see. ”said John. He thought about this for a few seconds.

Then he took the cake to his sister and said to her,“Cut this cake in half, Catherine.”

绅士

约翰今年七岁，他的妹妹五岁。一天，妈妈去一个大城市买新衣服的时候，顺便把他们俩带到了姑妈家去玩。

两个孩子玩了一个小时左右，四点半的时候姑妈把约翰领进了厨房。她给了他一块看起来很诱人的蛋糕和一把小刀，跟他说：“约翰，这儿有把小刀，你可以用它把蛋糕切成两半，然后分一半给你妹妹。但是一定要记住表现得像绅士一样哦。”

“像个绅士一样？”约翰疑惑地问，“绅士会怎么做呢？”

姑妈立刻回答道：“绅士们总是把大的一半给对方啊。”

约翰说：“哦，知道了。”然后，他又认真思考了一会儿。

接着，他把蛋糕给了妹妹，告诉她说：“凯瑟琳，你把蛋糕切成两半吧。”

23 Stupid Orders

When Clark was a boy, he never did what he was told, so his father always told him to do the oppsite of what he wanted him to do.

One day, when they were bringing sacks of flour home on their donkeys, they had to cross a shallow river. When they were in the middle of it, one of the sacks on Clark’s donkey began to slip, so his father said,“That sack is nearly in the water! Press down hard on it!”His father of course expected that he would do the opposite, but this time Clark did what his father had told him to do. He pressed down on the sack and it went under the water. Of course, the flour was lost.

“What have you done, Clark!”his father shouted angrily.

“Well, father.”said Clark,“This time I thought that I would do just what you told me to show you how stupid your orders always are.”

愚蠢的命令

当克拉克还是个孩子的时候，他从来都不听家长的话，所以他的爸爸总是告诉他做相反的事情。

一天，他们俩牵着毛驴驮着几袋面粉走在回家的路上，他们得穿过一条小河。当他们俩走到河中央的时候，克拉克牵着的驴背上的一袋面粉开始下滑，所以他的爸爸告诉他：“那袋面快掉到河里了！使劲把它弄下去吧！”他的爸爸当然希望他反着做，但是这一次克拉克竟然照做了。他使劲把那袋面按下去，面袋顺势掉进了河里。当然了，面粉全废了。

“克拉克，看你做的好事！”他的爸爸生气地喊道。

“好吧，爸爸，”克拉克无奈地说，“我想这一次我就听你一次，证明一下你的命令总是那么愚蠢。”

24 On Miracle

In Sunday school, the minister was trying to illustrate the word “miracle”.“Boys and girls,”he said,“suppose I stood on the roof of a ten‐story building, lost my balance and fell off. Then all of a sudden in midair, a whirlwind swept me up and rought me safely to the ground. Now what word would you use to describe this？”

After a long silence a boy raised his hand and said,“Luck.”

“True, true.”replied the minister,“It could be luck—but that’s not the word I wanted. I’ll repeat the story. There I am on top of the ten‐story building again, and I fall. A whirlwind catches me in midair and places me safely on the ground. Think now—what word would describe the situation？”

“Accident.”cried out one girl.

“No, no.”answered the minister,“Listen carefully for the third time. I’m on the same building; I fall and am swept to safety by a sudden whirlwind. What word could account for my safely reaching the ground？”

The boys and girls shouted in unison,“Practice!”

论奇迹

在主日学校里，牧师正举例说明“奇迹”一词的意义。“孩子们”，他说：“假如我站在一座十层高的楼顶上，失去平衡掉了下来。在跌落到半空中时，突然刮阵旋风，把我举起来，使我安全着陆。想想看，该用什么词来描绘这件事？”很长时间没有人回答。后来一个男孩举手说：“运气。”

“好吧，好吧，”牧师回答说：“可以说是运气，不过那不是我想要的词。我再讲一遍这个故事。我还是在一座十层高的楼顶上，从上面摔下来。一阵旋风在中把我托住，使我安全返回地面。好好想一下，该用什么词来描绘这一情景呢？”

“意外。”有个女孩大声说。

“不对，不对，”牧师说：“你们仔细听，再听一遍。我还是在那座楼顶上，摔下来时被一阵突然刮来的旋风托住，转危为安。用什么词来解释我安全返回地面这事？”

孩子们齐声叫道：“反复练习！”

25 Excuse

Tommy hated school and was always looking for excuses not to go. If he sneezed, he asked his mother to write a note saying he had a cold. If he had a headache, he asked his mother to take him to the doctor during school hours. He spent more time at home than he did at school. On the days that he did go to school, he looked for excuses to come home early.

One morning he came home when the lessons only half finished. His father was surprised, and said,“You have come home early. Is the school closed today？”

“No, dad.”Tommy said,“It’s open. I came home early. ”

“How did you do that？”his father asked him,“What did you say to the teacher？”

“I told her that I had a new baby sister and that I had to come home and help you.”

“But your mother has had twins, ”his father said,“A girl and a boy. You have got a baby sister and a baby brother. ”

“Yes. I know dad,” Tommy said,“I'm saving up my baby brother for next week. ”

借口

汤米讨厌上学，他总是找各种借口逃学。只要他打了个喷嚏，他就要他的妈妈写便条跟老师说他得了重感冒。只要他有一点儿头疼，他就要他妈妈在上课时间带他去看大夫。他待在家里的时间远多于学校。要是他实在不得不上学去，他就会找借口提前回家。

一天上午他刚上了半节课就回家了。他的爸爸惊讶地问他：“你怎么这么早就回来了啊，难道今天学校关门？”

“没有啊，爸爸，”汤米回答说，“学校开着呢，只不过我提前回来了。”

“你怎么做到的呢？”爸爸好奇地问他，“你怎么跟老师说的啊？”

“我告诉她妈妈生了个小妹妹，我不得不回来帮你的忙。”

“但是你妈妈明明生了个双胞胎啊，”爸爸说，“你有一个小妹妹和一个小弟弟啊。”

“是的，我知道，爸爸，”汤米说，“我准备下个星期用我的小弟弟做借口。”

26 Rescue Clinton in the River

Three boy scouts were fishing in a boat, suddenly they heard someone crying for help. They found that someone fell into the river, who was just struggling. So they jumped into the river to rescue him. It was with much efforts that they managed to drag him onto the band.

They didn’t recognize the man they saved that Bill Clinton recovered himself. The president really appreciated that they saved his life and he asked that what he could do for them.

“Of course, I want to pay a visit to the White House.”the first boy said.

“No problem.”Bill said,“Then how about you？”Bill asked the second boy.

“I want to travel by Air Force One.”The second boy answered.

“All right. I will make it prepared tonight.”Bill promised.

“I would like you to arrange me to be buried in the Arlington.”the third boy said.

“I am sure that I can satisfy you.”Bill said with a smile,“but my boy , you are too young to worry about this, OK？”“No, you don’t know my father.”the third boy said,“He will kill me if he finds that I saved your life.”

克林顿河中获救

一天，三个男孩童子军正在船上钓鱼，这时他们听到有人喊救命。顺着救命声传来的方向望去，他们发现有人掉进了河里，那人正在拼命挣扎。他们立马跳进河里去救他，费了好大的劲终于把他拉到了河岸上。

直到比尔·克林顿醒过来，他们才意识到他们救的是美国总统。克林顿很感激他们救了自己的命，问孩子们他能为他们做些什么。

“太好啦，我想参观白宫。”第一个男孩说。

“没问题，”比尔说。“那你呢？”比尔问第二个男孩。

“我想坐‘空军一号’旅游。”男孩回答。

“好的，我今晚就让人准备。”比尔承诺。

“我希望我死后你能安排我被葬在阿灵顿国家公墓。”第三个男孩回答。

“我保证满足你。”比尔笑着说，“但是，孩子，你还太小，还不必担心这个，好吗？”

“不，你不了解我父亲，”男孩接着说，“他要是知道我救了你的命，肯定会杀了我的！”